A Wayward Penguin

   
The penguin thing started way back in 1988 when Godfrey bought me a Jonette Jewelry penguin brooch with 8 penguins all looking off to the right and one looking the other way. "That's you" he said. And he was right. I've never been one to follow the crowd, I'm not comfortable in groups doing group things, I always want to go faster, or slower, or a different way entirely.

People who know me find me irritating. I don't go out of my way to be annoying, but being an awkward sod comes so naturally that half the time I don't even realise I'm doing it. It's not that I don't like people, or that I think I'm better than them, or am trying to create a distance. It's more that I see the world differently, through a lens of negativity maybe, and I constantly want everyone (especially me) to be better than they are.

I hate people who are glib, who do a half-assed job when with just a little more effort they could be brilliant. So I'm constantly angry with politicians who come out with completely stupid ideas then, when everyone points out how stupid the idea was, they drop it and pretend that that's democracy in action.

Maybe I am just too in touch with my vulnerability, and get scared when I can see that those in charge have no more idea where we are going than I do. I definitely get scared and angry when I sense a lack of compassion or humanity in people in power.

I think I grew up fiercely competitive, yet also with very low self esteem. I vacillate between wanting to be in charge of everything and boss everyone else around, and sulking along in the background thinking "It's not fair...". But woe betide anyone who finds me in mopey mode and tries to take charge: I'll flash back with furious anger and tear them apart, or  - and this can be much, much worse - agree with their plan and then do everything in my power to undermine it. 

I never said I was nice.

My favourite website at the moment is the webcams on South Georgia. They work on the basis of intermittent gratification (thank you Sam Banga, possibly the nicest man on the planet, for that phrase). You can check them out for days and days, and never see anything other than the incredible stark beauty of the place, but then one day, the beach is full of penguins, or seals, or sometimes humans, doing their thing: oblivious to me, looking in. It's the first thing I check out when I get on line, and usually the last as well.