Insufficiently narcissistic?

   
I'm not sure I'm sufficiently narcissistic to be a successful blogger. Still, sometimes in life you've got to push the comfort blanket aside and reveal yourself, for better or worse.

This is a blog created because I've just discovered I have a tumour. Like many others, the prospect of a cancer diagnosis makes me feel impelled to write stuff down, both to articulate what's going on in case anyone else is interested, and more importantly, to record something of myself for those who care about me. This is not going to be a blog just about medical matters though, because I'm fairly sure no-one really wants to know the fine details. I plan to make it about the things that interest me, so it'll be pretty eclectic.

About the tumour, though, it's inside my chest but as yet we don't have a precise diagnosis and therefore no confirmation that it is malignant, and no treatment plan or prognosis. We're not sure whether it's in the lung pushing out into the mediastinum or vice versa. We don't know whether the major organs and structures are involved. We do know I'm in no pain and although my breathing is compromised, I'm trying to live a normal life. The truth is that I'm not able to, because I get really, really tired on exertion, so that I can't really do anything useful except make the occasional cup of tea and meal. Godfrey's looking after me, doing all the shopping, housework and stuff. He's also educating himself about all the different cancers, treatment options and so forth: I don't seem able to concentrate enough to wade through them myself.

The doctor at Basildon Hospital, where the tumour was discovered last week, said he thought it was a sarcomatoid carcinoma of the lung, which when you Google it is extremely scary. He referred me to UCH, and we had the first OP appointment yesterday. Dr Shui at UCH said although a sarcomatoid carcinoma is still a possibility, there are other possibilities too, including germ cell and thymoma, and we need a biopsy which will take place on Tuesday 8th May, and we'll get the results at a follow up appointment in the 14th. No news is not exactly good news, because no news means no treatment, and I don't like the thought that this thing is growing inside me, making me weaker, and nothing is being done so far. But we must learn how to be patient.

The start of a journey...

The good thing is, UCH is probably the best place in the UK if not in Europe for diagnosing and treating cancers. Once we know what it is, I'm in good hands. The downside is, the travelling. The trip to Basildon is 30 mins in the car, easy parking, no stress. The trip to UCH is an hour and a half by train, tube and taxi, each way. Pushing through the melee of the west end throngs. All the joys of commuting - armpits, screeching brakes, lurching rolling stock, inane announcements ('for your comfort and security Network Rail has banned all eating, drinking, smoking and breathing at this station') which we thought we'd left behind many years ago. Ho hum.

My life, our real life as opposed to work'n'chores life, has for the last few years been based around getting out and about in Essex, walking. 8 miles, 10 miles, even 24 miles on one gloriously hot sunny day last September. Now I need a taxi to get to Brentwood station - less than a mile.
It takes some getting used to.