Shopping

I hate shopping. I know some people enjoy it, but being a wayward penguin and all, I can never find clothes I actually want to wear. I have rules.

Fashion

• Rule 1. Never buy clothes that look they've been made out of curtains. That's 30% of this seasons fabrics gone for starters.
• Rule 2. Never buy clothes that look like the designer is over compensating for not having a paint box when he was 6. Yes I know there's lots of colours out there, but you don't have to use all of them, on every garment. Another 30% gone.
• Rule 3. Never buy clothes that look like someone's vomited down the front. If you think that in the shop, the image will never leave you. That's all the playfully printed T-shirts in M&S eliminated at a stroke.
• Rule 4. Never buy clothes that button up in front. When you are top heavy, like I am, and when your weight fluctuates like mine does, you'll always worry that you're wobbly bits aren't quite as well hidden as you'd like. I have 'button-gap phobia'.

Which brings me to my current predicament.

I've never given much thought to post-surgery clothing. However it occurs to me that with a wound down my sternum, pulling clothes over my head won't be much fun. Fastening at the back will present challenges, too. So I need some new clothes, and have to break rule 4. Ye gods though, is it me or is it particularly bad this year? I don't really want to have to break all the rules, but I might have to.

If you see a bloated, odd-looking ageing ginger bint struggling slowly down your street, wearing a lime, orange and fuschia striped shirt with mauve collar and cuffs, say hello. That'll be me.