Monday Morning Blues

It's Monday morning again. Radiotherapy (RT) starts today (again). I’m anxious, of course, again.

Actually, it's not so much 'again' as still. I thought that after last weeks' fiasco I'd calm down, have a relaxing week off, enjoy the sunshine, and just chill. It didn't work like that.

Instead I've spent the entire week churning with anxiety. I've felt angry, and stressed, and victimised. I hate feeling victimised.  The trouble is, I'm completely in the hands of the medics. I try and understand what's happening, but I can't really know, not deeply. We're into the realms now of cellular activity, and biochemistry.What do I know about such stuff?  I got biology 'O' level, 40 years ago, but failed chemistry. Twice. I'm not qualified.

I rang UCH on Friday to check that all was well and they were expecting me - I'd had nothing in writing and after last weeks fuck up I wasn't going to trust in a beneficent universe. The chap on reception said yes, all was well, "if there was a problem someone would call you" "They didn't call me last week....."

Then later, we had a call from one of the radiographers asking if we could move Monday's appointment because Dr Carnell, the oncologist, wanted to see me. We weren't expecting to see any oncologists, just RT staff. I got the impression during the phone call that Dr Carnell wanted to explain what happened last week,why the planning was taking so much longer than expected. By Friday evening, my poor old frazzled brain was running out of control, speculating all kinds of nasty stuff. Have they found something new? Looking in detail at the planning CT scan, is there something else wrong? Do they want to do chemo, now, as well? Has the cancer spread?

At the end of the day I have to trust whatever I'm told, But because it wasn't clear at the start what was wrong, over the last 4 or 5 months I've seen many different doctors, and they've all told me different things.Sometimes contradictory things. They all have a different approach, which I do understand, but still. It's just little old me turning up at all these appointments, and whatever is going on inside doesn't change, but the words,and the approach,and the potential impact on my life, does change. It's all very unsettling.

Toppesfield Footpath

We tried to make the most of the good weather this week by going out for a walk in the lovely Essex countryside. Ended up waist deep in nettles. The footpaths where we were clearly hadn't been used in years. We got scratched, and stung, and bitten, and hot and sweaty ; and the lovely village pub with a sign outside saying "Open All Day!" was shut. Bugger.