Recovering

I've been back home for a week now, and am slowly recovering.

I think I was probably discharged too early. I've been in a bit of a daze since I got back, prone to bursting into tears at nothing at all and feeling not at all sure what was going on. I've been completely obsessing about the care I had in hospital one minute (of which more on another occasion) and then the next, just unable to think about it at all.

The King's Head

A fortnight before the operation, we met a man outside the pub opposite The Heart Hospital who'd had open heart surgery there. He was saying that he felt really odd after the surgery - his heart had actually, physically been touched by a stranger, and not in a good way, and it felt so wrong. He had been saved by the surgery, but also violated by it. I don't feel that way, but I do feel  that the experience was extraordinary and should change me forever. The fact that such an event can happen - on the physical plane, that my chest can be opened so wide that the muscles along my spine ache, and then closed again and I will probably be fine afterwards; and on the meta-physical, that my apparent healthy active life was actually a lie because  all the time I was harbouring a silent killer - these are big things to deal with.

My reactions so far are puny. I don't think I've really taken in the reality of the situation. I've been getting tearful for no reason, feeling an existential sense of loss, but haven't yet taken in the fragility of life and the importance of being true to my core self and the people I care about. I'm still focused on trivial, practical things.

I'm doing breathing exercises, to get back the full use of that pesky right lung which has been squashed for so long and we are trying to get me moving, to build up my stamina. The first time we went for a walk, I got about 70 yards before I had to turn back. Yesterday, we went over 500 yards and although I was breathless when we got back, I recovered quite quickly. So that's good.

We were worried for a couple of  days about the incision scar, it seemed unusually hot, red, itchy and raised, but didn't seem to get any worse and I didn't have a temperature, and now that's getting better too. The scar goes the whole length of my sternum, and there are 3 new belly button holes beneath my rib cage, where the drains came out. Look away now if you're of a nervous disposition:

5 days post surgery

On a practical level, it's very odd, what I can do and can't. (I wish I'd paid more attention to anatomy lessons at AT school, but I used to doze off all the time. More than once, I was still asleep in the corner when everyone else started going home.) Anyway, anything using my chest muscles is, of course, compromised. I can push, but I can't pull. Carrying mugs is easier than carrying plates. Simple things like washing my hands or opening a jar or getting off the sofa hurts just a bit.

On the other hand, I really thought a week after discharge I'd still be lying on the chaise longue with Godfrey feeding me peeled grapes. Instead, I'm pottering around the house and garden, and so long as I'm careful, I'm doing OK.